Becoming a new mom or a new dad for the first time is a completely individual experience. At the same time it is an experience which connects you with the rest of humanity, for everyone has parents and many are parents themselves. It also represents a major life change.
Immediate responses to confirmation of pregnancy vary enormously and can include shock, delight, excitement, fear, relief, and very often a mixture of some of these feelings.
The baby slowly becomes a reality through the first months of pregnancy, especially when the first fetal movements are felt. Some women identify with their baby and become closely attached as new mom from relatively early on, others later in the pregnancy and some, not until after the baby is born.
Meeting the baby
Meeting your baby face-to-face for the first time is often a very emotional experience for both new moms and new dads. As you become acquainted with your newborn baby, examining perfect fingers and nails. finding points of similarity and identifying individual features, you recognise his or her uniqueness. The early days in hospital and at home are an intense period of getting to know your baby. Though some new parents may have seen other newborns, for many your first baby provides you with your first experience of finding out about newborn babies. Even after just a few days new parents respond to questions about their baby with 'he always does this' and 'she prefers it when I do that', as though their baby had been with them for a much longer period of time.
Settling down
The frequent changes and feeds, and different pattern of sleeping and waking set a timetable of which a new parent has little or no experience. It is common to feel that your life and home have been 'taken over' by this small creature and their needs.
The demands of being a new dad can seem high as can the expectations of ourselves and others. There are often conflicting emotions and feelings and the reactions and needs of individuals in this situation can vary enormously. Some parents, especially early on, find the prospect of total responsibility for a small dependent baby quite daunting. However, the new role of being a parent and the associated responsibilities are gradually accepted over the early months, though some new mothers and fathers adjust more quickly than others.
Feeding, crying and sleeping are common activities for young babies: some new parents find that their baby is feeding and crying for longer and more often and sleeping less than they had ever anticipated. This often means that they can find they have very little time for themselves and their partner.
Caring for a baby when you have little or no experience of babies is not always easy. It involves learning and practising new skills, often by trial and error. Health professionals, like your midwife and health visitor, other parents and books on pregnancy and childcare can give advice, information and encouragement. Many parents make use of all these different sources of help, though at times conflicting advice can be an issue. Looking back most parents say that there were one or two really important individuals they relied on - including a midwife, health visitor, or GP, a close friend, their own mother or mother-in-law or another parent. They also make the point that to a great extent, with some help, they found their own way as they became more confident about being a parent.
Making changes
Despite the dramatic change in life circumstances that having first baby brings, most parents do adjust to the changed lifestyle, though not everyone does so in the same way or at the same speed. The presence of a new baby is likely to involve changes to a number of aspects of your life. Many couples move house during the pregnancy or in the early months after their baby is born. This can be tough in practical and emotional terms: you and your new family may have more space, but there is also disruption too, with getting to know a new neighbourhood, different health professionals and coping with a home that needs things doing.
Your social life is likely to have changed too. Child care, especially the frequent feeds and naps that young babies need, means that there is usually a new pattern of life for the whole family, and one that for a time at least, seems to involve a considerable amount of equipment and somewhat less sleep than you were used to.
It you are a new mother who worked previously or if you are now on maternity leave, then the changes are substantial. It may not be easy to adjust to being at home and some women say they miss work a great deal, though they enjoy being with their baby. For some parenthood and being a mother involves an additional valued role, while for others, by choosing not to return to work, there is a switch in roles. These changes in identity have an emotional, practical and often financial impact and take time to get used to.
New fathers too, often find that having a baby means that they see work differently. There can be differences in attitude, but also in the hours put in and business or work trips taken away from home. At the same time many feel very responsible for providing for their family and may wish to work harder in order to provide a secure financial base for family life.
Differing perspectives
Differences in individual circumstances can impact on the process of becoming a new parent.
Men and women in becoming new mothers and fathers can react differently to the birth of their first child, though many of the emotions and worries described are similar. However, their responses to the pregnancy, birth and the baby may vary in timing and intensity. For example, while pregnant a mother may have begun to know the baby in her tummy quite well, but new fathers don't have the benefit of that direct experience and some feel they have a little ground to catch up in the period after the birth. After the birth fathers can vary too in the extent and pace at which they get involved in child care activities, though this will also depend on the wishes of their partner and the nature of the relationship.
For both parents of a new baby this may be the first time around. However, family circumstances differ and with many couples today either the father or the mother has already been a parent and so has some experience of babies and child care. This familiarity can be a great help, especially in the early days.
Being a single parent also gives rise to a different experience. The support systems you have in place are critical for you and your new baby's wellbeing. Not being able to share the hard work so easily can put on added pressure.
Having a difficult pregnancy, a sick or preterm baby or more than one baby are all factors likely to affect how new parents feel. All of these events tend to be associated with more uncertainty and some anxiety until things have settled down. Recovery from the birth may take longer and hospital stays are likely to be longer too.
Looking forward
Becoming a parent involves many transformations: in how you see yourself and how others see you, as well as more practical lifestyle and other changes. It is about commitment in the long term and here and now. As new mothers and fathers you adjust and change over time, moving through periods of excitement about the newness of it all, periods of fatigue and exhaustion and others of quiet pleasure and satisfaction. Very soon the point is reached when you are a proud parent and you can't imagine life without your baby.
Tips
Look after yourself - this is really important for you and your baby
Remember, parenting has to be 'good enough', not perfect, good enough so that everyone gets fed and cared for appropriately and that there is enjoyment and satisfaction for babies and parents in this new and developing relationship.
