By Maria Trozzi, MEd with Prof. Dieter Wolke
Four-year-old Sara has had another bad day at nursery school. Irritable and tired, she challenged her teachers at every turn. When Mum came to pick her up, she was handed a bag of wet clothes - another accident.
Sara's grandfather is in hospital. He has lived in Sara's home since before Sara was born. Last week he suffered a massive stroke and is not expected to live. Sara's aunt has just arrived with her 3-year-old and is staying in the guest room. The family's routine is in turmoil. Sara's mother is juggling her responsibilities as a parent of two young children, a daughter to her critically ill parent, and a solicitor at work.
Living With Loss
Guidelines for Grieving
Frequently Asked Questions
Sara's story is not unusual. Most children lose grandparents at some point in their lives. A grandparent's illness and death can disrupt daily routines and send family and child’s emotions into overdrive. Children like Sara, too young to understand the complexities of what's going on, use their behaviour to tell us, the adults in their life, that they're having difficulty dealing with the change. But as we go through our own inner turmoil, we often temporarily and unavoidably neglect our child’s emotions and children's emotional needs.
It is difficult to think of our parents dying. No matter what our age or the quality of the family relationships with our parents, their death means living without them for the first time in our lives. It forces us to look at our own mortality. For many of us, it is our first profound loss. It challenges our very ability to cope. It's hard enough being a parent of a young child, juggling responsibilities at home and at work. When our own parent falls ill, the demands on our lives multiply. Suddenly we are called upon to deal not only with our own already hectic lives, but also the serious illness of a loved one, family relationships with our siblings, mourning our parent, and our children's grief and confusion at losing grandparents - all at the same time. No blueprint exists for this difficult point in our lives and this issue in family relationships.
What's more, children are very impressionable. Your child will remember how you handled his grandparents' deaths, and in the future, he will model his own grief on these teachable moments from his childhood. To help you navigate through this difficult period and provide your child with important coping skills, consider the following guidelines:
DO describe in simple terms what's going on. As a grandparent's health declines, prepare your child for the changes he is likely to see and experience. For example, "Nana can no longer walk on her own so she uses a walker to help her" or "Have you noticed that Grandad sleeps a lot now? He takes lots of medicines that keep him comfortable, but make him sleepy".
DO take your child to visit his grandparent in hospital. Children, even those as young as three, can benefit from this experience because the mystery and secrecy surrounding a serious illness are often more frightening than the reality. Just be sure to prepare him for what he will see and hear. For example, tell him if there is anyone else in Grandma's room, or if he is likely to see Grandpa on a drip or with a breathing tube. Talk about the unusual smells and sounds he may notice. And let him know how he should act during the visit: "Grandad will be tired, so he probably won't want to play, and he may want to rest quietly." If a grandparent's behaviour, personality changes or mood swings could confuse or frighten your child, think again about taking the child to visit them. Instead, spend some time with your child drawing pictures of Gran or making audio tapes of the songs and stories Grandad used to sing and tell.
DO find ways for your child to help as a grandparent's health declines. This is critical. Even 2 1/2 or 3-year-olds like to be involved in helping. It makes them feel like an important part of the caring and giving process.
DO prepare your child for a grandparent's imminent death. If you have told your youngster that Grandma's health is failing, he is likely to ask the inevitable but painful question, "Is my Nana going to die?" Although it may seem paradoxical, the best way to protect your child’s emotions and emotional health is to share information that will affect her. Answer truthfully ("Yes, I think that Nana will die soon"); never lie to a child. Then reassure your child that you will help him face this event, and that you'll go through it together as a family. Of course, exactly how and what you tell your child will depend on how old he is, how much he can understand, how he's likely to react, and whether he's experienced similar losses before.
DO find teachable moments from the experiences of friends or neighbours. Point out how the families returned to their normal routines after a grandparent's death. Children's television programmes and films often include themes that relate to illness and/or death. Watch with your child and discuss what happens, so when the inevitable occurs, it will be easier for him to understand and cope.
DO express your own authentic grief in front of your child. It's good for him to see that it's all right to be sad. Then be sure to explain what you're feeling (sad, angry, exhausted) and reassure him that you are still there to care for him even as you mourn. This is an important distinction that your child needs to hear often.
DO encourage your child to participate in the memorial service, shivah, or other family ritual at the time of death if he is old enough to be able to make sense of the event. (If he can verbalise his understanding of what's going on - "We're saying goodbye to Nana" - he is probably ready to participate.) Be sure to explain in simple terms what's going to happen. If he's too young to understand, seems anxious or confused, or says that he doesn't want to go, leave him in the care of a familiar adult.
DON'T assume that just because your child is young, the illness or death of a grandparent won't affect him. Your child watches, listens and learns from you. The information he overhears while you are talking to family, friends or doctors (including when you're on the phone) can be confusing, frightening and overwhelming.
DON'T overload your youngster with information. He will let you know what he needs to know, how much and when, if you simply listen to him.
DON'T try to be the perfect parent. You are being called upon to be a son or daughter, a sibling, a care-giver and a parent all at once during the most stressful of life's events. Try to be available to your child at family meals and bedtime, but don't hesitate to ask friends and relatives for help while you mourn.
Grandparents link us to our past. Whether they care for our children regularly, see them only at special visits, or communicate via cards, phone or the Internet, they play a unique role in our children's lives. How we as parents guide our youngsters through their grandparents' deaths becomes a hallmark for other important emotional events they will experience as they grow up. Equally important, their memories of Nana or Grandad offer them a legacy of their past and a richness of life experience that they will hold forever.
Question: What should I do if my child asks, "What happens to you when you die? Does it hurt? Where do you go?"
Most young children are looking for a concrete response to these types of questions. Good advice is to answer only the questions being asked; you might also ask your child what prompted the questions. I would answer, "When somebody dies, your body totally stops working, you can't breathe, you can't eat, you can't think, you can't walk. You can't even feel pain. No, it doesn't hurt at all. Most people's bodies are buried in cemeteries".
Question: Should my 4-year-old son attend a funeral service where he may see his grandfather's body? If so, should I let him see the body or keep him from getting too close and being frightened?
For any child to benefit from the rituals that are common at the end of life, he or she needs to be able to make sense of the experience. Most 4-year-olds would find the funeral experience overwhelming, especially if it involves viewing the body. In order to learn whether your own child is ready for such an experience, tell him what goes on at a funeral; be brief and concrete. Then ask him to tell you what he understands. If he can articulate his understanding, he may be ready to participate in some aspect of the funeral. Feeling part of this family experience and observing how our culture remembers those we love is very powerful IF the child is ready.
Question: My mother just passed away. How long do I wait before sending my daughter back to nursery school and other normal activities?
Very young children thrive on routine! If she seems willing, there's no necessary waiting period before sending her back. She will be anxious to see her friends and her teacher and may want to share her news about her grandmother with her class. Remember that as a preschool child, she may think that her grandmother is "coming back". For your daughter, your grief response will be the most memorable part of this experience.
Question: How do I explain to my toddler that his grandma is very ill and is going to die?
Although as parents we often want to protect our young children from these difficult situations, there is a hidden opportunity for helping your child develop coping skills. As grandma becomes worse, help your child understand this by describing how she looks, what she is able to do (or not do), and how that feels to you. For example, "Remember when Grandma was able to play your favourite games with you when you visited and baked cookies with you? Now, because she is ill and tired, she isn't able to do that any more. She does enjoy watching television with you, though."
As her illness progresses:
"Now, Grandma sleeps a lot. She's very tired and sometimes needs to have less noise. Notice that she is in a different kind of bed that helps her to sit up."
And finally:
"Grandma takes lots of different kinds of pills because she is so ill. The pills help her not to hurt, but they make her very sleepy. Yes, she sleeps most of the time and can't really eat any more."
Most young children at this point may ask if Grandma is going to die. Reply that she will die sometime and perhaps very soon. Wait for more questions from your toddler. He may or may not have an interest in pursuing this information. Let your child lead you.
